You said the private room you were staying in was like Monk's cell and while you were seeking the Lord, a Light appeared and began to increase in illumination; but you cried out for it to stop.
Now you want to know why you did such a thing when surely there is a desperate need to be closer to God.
You are right. There is a desperate need in our Country and in this dying world for someone to become One with God; and you may not have been ready. That is why we are told to seek the Lord's face. It is in doing so we meditate on what we might do when he appears to us in Person.
I think your prayers are too impersonal, and your estimate of your worth as a Gentile is far too small. The Lord is able to see you more clearly than you perceive yourself and assign you what he can do through you so success is possible.
There is another fear in your heart you must learn to deal with in trust toward the Lord of glory. The prophets fell down as though they were dead when the Lord appeared to them, but he is all powerful and fully capable of breathing the Spirit of Life back into you.
That is simply the price you must pay if you ever wish to meet
your Maker and receive some higher commission from him.